your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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