You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
