just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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