Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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