I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
