I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
