remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
