Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
