Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
