I bet he comes in French.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
