Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
