Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
