I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
