My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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