Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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