My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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