Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
