I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
