So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
what is it with giant penises always finding me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
