I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
