If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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