Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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