I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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