you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
