i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
