Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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