I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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