If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
