There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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