ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
