i don't like sucking hair
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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