i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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