Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
