the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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