Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
