Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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