we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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