I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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