I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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