I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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