My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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