Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My ass is underappreciated
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
