I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
