Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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