The maid of honor just puked.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
