Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
