if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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