I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
