sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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