Dual....:-)
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
