I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My feet surprised me
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