9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
