So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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