We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
