I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
