Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
