She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
