Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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