Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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