He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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