I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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