how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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