last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize