matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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