I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
